


the color you can never quite see

by oh_la_fraise



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x12 reaction fic, Depression, M/M, Minor Character Death, Recovery, mentions of suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 13:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11185908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_la_fraise/pseuds/oh_la_fraise
Summary: He burns the jacket.





	the color you can never quite see

**Author's Note:**

> wanted to do a quick write reaction to 2x12. warning for depression/ptsd type of issues. title is from home by vanessa carlton.

He burns the jacket.

That blazer had been one of Magnus’s favorites since he bought it, but he can’t stand the sight of it now.It smells like nothing but Downey and a little bit of his cologne, but every time he acknowledges it he can't help but sense something foul and rotting.Watching it burn is the first time the constant drumbeat of horror in his head quiets slightly, and, after a moment, he throws his pants and shoes in the flames too.Out with it all.

~

For the first time in a long time, Magnus feels unsafe in his home. He sees shadows out of the corners of his eyes; finds traces of Azazel’s dust in dimly lit corners.He tests his wards obsessively, developing a tick every time something startles him, even as it lingers in his mind that Clary broke through them easily.The only time he feels even slightly safe is when Alec is there.He wants to do something crazy, like get down on his knees and beg and cry for Alexander to never leave his side again, but Alec is busy and has his own life.Magnus is an adult; he tries to act like one.

~

It isn’t until he has Dot over for tea that he realizes she taught Valentine how to use his magic.She kisses him on the cheek and asks if he’s feeling better, if his magic has come back to him.She’s been doing research into his problem; she hasn’t found anything, but she has a meeting with a warlock in Minsk tomorrow that seems promising.

When he tells her it was Valentine all along, her bottom lip trembles, and he wants nothing more than to hug her.Whatever he suffered because of Valentine, Dot has undergone tenfold.But Magnus is touch shy these days, flinching every time a hand draws near.He makes her another cup of tea instead, and listens to her cry from across the couch. 

~

It isn’t until later that he realizes, in his haste to rid himself of the clothes Valentine sullied, he’d forgotten to remove the omamori from the pocket of his pants. 

~

He dreams of his mother.He dreams of Ragnor’s death.He dreams of Alec using the Adamas stone and sending Camille to Idris. 

He doesn’t dream of Valentine.

Instead, he has flashbacks when he’s awake.He’ll look down, see his hands paler and cracked with age.He feels the agony rune burning into his skin.His magic works in fits and starts. He goes to make a pot of tea one day, one of the first things he learned how to do as a child with his budding magic, and finds himself completely unable.He makes it by hand, and drops the teapot.It shatters into a million pieces, and he leaves it for Alec to clean up.

~

He buries himself under the blankets of his bed.If his wards and magic can’t keep him safe, maybe his covers can.

~

He’s aware of Alec coming in and out, feeding Magnus like he’s an invalid.It’s not far from the truth, he supposes.Alec talks, but Magnus doesn’t really listen. 

Alec crawls under the covers one day, takes Magnus’s face in his hands.Magnus is too tired to flinch.“You told me not to push you away when things got tough.You’re many things, Magnus Bane, but a hypocrite isn’t one of them.”

Magnus just closes his eyes, drifting back to sleep. 

~

Eventually, the Clave finally puts Valentine to death.Magnus tries to feel anything but relief.He doesn’t succeed.

~

After Valentine’s death, he gets up, making his way to the balcony.He thinks of Alec standing on the ledge, his mother’s keris carefully preserved in his living room. 

He goes back inside.

~

He paints on eyeshadow, puts brightly colored streaks in his hair.He puts on the most obnoxious outfit he owns.Alec crinkles, smiling wide and bright when Magnus finally emerges from the bedroom.They haven’t known each other long enough for Alec to recognize it for the armor that it is.

He coughs, voice rusty from disuse.“I want to find a new apartment.”

Alec smiles even more widely.“I’ll help you look.”

~

Magnus takes a few things with him to his new lair—the keris and a few other mementos he can’t part with—and leaves the rest of it behind.He buys a sleeping bag and a laptop from Target and camps out in his living room, painstakingly choosing new furniture and a new wardrobe.At night, Alec curls around him in the sleeping bag, and for the first time in a long time, Magnus doesn’t flinch. 

~

One day, he laughs at a story Izzy is telling him, and he remembers his mother.He remembers Ragnor’s death.He remembers Alec using the Adamas stone and sending Camille to Idris. 

He remembers that he made it through all of those things, too.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> im on tumblr at ohlafraise.tumblr.com.


End file.
